There are times when I’m desperate for a creative spark – times when I am empty.
I have muses that inspire me to creativity in so many areas of my life, but there are times when I need to write. And yet, it’s as if the thoughts are bottle-necked somewhere between my head and my hands, and the words simply won’t come.
I feel…..I want……We should…Can you…What if.. Sometimes.. water.. fire.. thunder. hurt.love.life.deathbeautyscarsmaTHLATINSONGSRAAAGEEEAAAAAAAAHHHH.
Somewhere in all of that there is something I need to say – something I need to see. Where are the words that matter to me most RIGHT NOW? What is it that’s got everything in me so choked and suffocating…
A few years ago, someone gave our family a pork roast. I decided to pull the pork for bar-b-q. As the grease and fat built up on my hands, I began to have trouble breathing. There was not a section of my hands that wasn’t surrounded and drenched in the sludge. The sensation was giving me a panic attack. I ran to the sink and scrubbed my hands in scalding hot water and soap to remove the offending slime.
Lately, I feel that again. This time, it’s my mind. I feel like a child caught in a fun house with so many sounds and sights pulling my attention in every direction that I can’t focus on any one thing. I’m surrounded in muck just like my hands were.
I am desperate to wash it all away. So I sit…in the dark…hands on the keyboard. All of the words clamoring for my attention, striving to be written, begin to slip away.
No, not you. Anger stomps off in a huff, while hurt recedes after a gentle touch of acknowledgement. Life and death go off to have their own conversation – one which I am not privy to, and needn’t be, though I may well be the topic of their conversation. One by one the words that clogged my mind and my hands slip away. “I should” and “What if” the most persistent of them all try to linger, but finally, slowly fade after being ignored for long enough.
Finally, in the darkness, there is only one word left. Breathe.
As Breathe rises and falls with my own breath, she begins to take on a faint glow. From within she begins to change, and with each of my own breaths she takes on a new form.
She becomes peace.
Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you, my friend. It’s so good to see you again.