Sometimes, I can’t. Sometimes, as much as I want to, Trust is just gone. One thing after another chips away, and things that are meant to build her only tear her down. I want to believe. I want to know, deep in my gut like I’m supposed to, that what I hear, what I see, what I feel is true. I want to know…just know.
Sometimes the hurt keeps piling on until Trust us buried beneath it and suffocating as she tries to claw her way out. She’s running the gauntlet of my thoughts to make her way to me.
Sometimes, those we care about most hurt us. In those times, the ache becomes so raw, so unrelenting that there is nothing more to do. In those times, who do you turn to? What if the person you would normally turn to is the one who has caused the pain?
There is no switch to flip tonight. Tonight, I am letting the hurt wash over me. Tomorrow is a new day. The sun will shine, and I hold hope that my spirit will find the peace it is searching for. In the meantime, I cry myself to sleep.
There are those who would try to convince us that we should not allow this darkness in. There are those who would try to tell us to live only in the positive. But without those moments of excruciating pain, the moments of unbridled joy would seem pale. Tonight is one of those nights when I am desperate for a friend to just be present. No requests. No requirements. No expectations beyond holding me while I cry so that when the sun comes up tomorrow, there are no more tears to be shed, and the events of the day will bring on such a beautiful joy untainted by any tears unreleased.
There are no loving arms. There is no comforting smile. Tonight I watch this battle alone. Tonight Doubt and Trust go head to head in a conflict for my heart. I hope Trust wins. I’ve placed all my bets on her. If she loses tonight, what was meant to be a single contest will become a tournament. I won’t give up until she has won. She’s standing in the corner of the ring. Looking me squarely in the eyes and saying, “Don’t give up no me.”