I rolled over to settle into sleep. It’s been the longest, shortest, weirdest six weeks I’ve ever experienced. It’s still surreal. As I close my eyes, I realize I can hear my pulse in my ear. As I exhale, I realize it’s slowing. I tune in closer, trying to calm the flow and relax into sleep. 

Inhaling, I hear it quicken. 

Exhale. It slows again. 

That can’t be right. I focus on calming myself as I inhale again, hoping to continue the slowing of my mind and body. As I draw in, the drumming in my ear speeds again. 

 

What in the world…? Yes. That’s it. What in the world.? 

What in the world is happening? What is happening in the world? 

It feels as if the world is spiraling out of control. The most recent is giant murder hornets. Oh. That sounds lovely. They’re just hitting the news, though they’ve apparenly been in the states for a few months now….because the planet isn’t already convinced that 2020 is trying to send us a message or wipe us out. (insert sardonic eyeroll here.) 

I breathe in again and hear the timpani in my head hasten again.

I hold my breath, I will my heart to slow down. Contrary as ever, my heart defies me and quickens again. 

Again, I release my breath, and with the air goes a knot of tension, and the pace again decelerates. 

Slowly it dawns on me. I have to let go.

Like my breath, when I draw up, draw in, and try to control, things get tight, tense, unmanageable, and scary. When I release it, somehow, things find an even keel to bear me through. 

I needed a part time job. I scoured the web for months. I applied over and over again for positions that would pay the bills but be ill-fitting. I begged God, the universe, and whatever other powers that might be out there to help me get a job that would be enough to open new doors for me and my girls. 

Finally, when it seemed like there was nowhere else to go, I just let go. I released it. I exhaled. When I did, A job I love with a company that I enjoy working for opened up. I was offered a job I didn’t even apply for, and my needs were met. I couldn’t have predicted that that job would be my lifeline through this craziness, both mentally and financially.

I just needed to exhale

The girls and I are looking for a new home. The one we are in has been good to us, but is too big, and too expensive for our needs. I have once again searched and scoured hoping to find a home for my family. As of yet, we’ve had one disappointment after another. I’ve been inhaling and holding my breath, trying to control it. 

I need to exhale. 

I can’t control it. No one can. The universe is going to move how it will move. Doors unlock, creak open a hair only to snap closed. Meanwhile, another door is just out of view, and the lock is quietly turning making ready for you to happen upon it. 

We can’t predict what will happen. We can’t control it. The world is crazy, but somewhere, somehow, something is working in our favor, and the harder we work to control it, the less control we seem to have – the faster the drums beat. 

Deep breath. 

Exhale. 

Let it go. 

Release it. And trust. Don’t give up. But we can’t spend our time striving. 

It’s all going to be okay. If you just

Exhale.